There's a Bear in My Bathroom
by Jeff McLaughlin
soon to be illustrated by Stephanie Pogas
It's early one morning, I climb out of the sack;
And head for the kitchen to sneak a small snack;
As I come 'round the corner, I hear this loud SLURRRP,
Followed by a sigh and then by a BURRRP.
There's something awful in there! And it wants to be fed!
A big BULLFROG in the kitchen! But ...
It's Mariah instead.
The kitchen is quiet, I’m the first out of bed;
I find the grape jelly and two slices of bread.
Then I hear something spooky under my chair
It’s SQUEAKING loudly, giving me quite a scare.
Is there a MOUSE or a FERRET that’s hungry for bread?
I peak under the chair and …
It’s Mariah instead.
Later that morning, while I'm out in the yard,
I suddenly hear something biting down HARD;
Is that an ORANGUTAN crunching my wagon?
Or is our porch being munched by a KOMODO DRAGON?
I run for the house, fast filling with dread;
But just then, I see ...
Mariah instead.
Later that day, at about a quarter to five,
We get home from the store and pull into the drive;
I unfasten my seatbelt and jump to the ground,
When suddenly I hear a loud WHINING sound.
Is there a BABY HIPPO that needs to be fed?
Then I see …
It’s Mariah instead
It’s my turn to wash the dinner dishes, I think,
So, I begin to carry them out to the sink;
Just then, I hear a loud SWISHING sound,
Followed by a SCREAK, I turn slowly around.
Is it a hungry SALAMANDER, all slimy and red;
When I turn, I see …
It’s Mariah instead.
I'm sitting and reading when I suddenly jump,
As from the front hallway comes a big THUMP-WHUMP;
It might be the sound of a hungry MACAW,
Or an impatient OCELOT tapping his paw;
It could be a thousand pound LOGGERHEAD;
But, to my great relief ...
It's Mariah instead.
I'm taking a shower, there's no one else here,
When I feel something cold and wet poking my rear;
I turn and I look - an enormous black nose
Sticks right through the curtain! It's a BEAR, I suppose!
I cringe at the teeth in its massive bear head;
HERE IT COMES! Then,
Pshew! It's Mariah instead.
I'm ready for sleep, all tucked in and tight,
When a noise quite disturbing pierces the night,
It's from somewhere close by, like right in this room,
And it sounds quite distinctly like: "RRR-WAHHH-OOOMM!"
It's easily loud enough to shake the whole bed;
There's a LION on the loose! No ...
It's Mariah instead.
In the middle of the night, I am needing a drink,
So, I make my way, in the dark, toward the sink;
Mariah is sleeping on her bed by the door
She wakes when she hears me, but she isn't quite sure
If I'm ROBBERS or GHOSTS. Is there trouble ahead?
Then I turn on the light and ...
IT'S ME INSTEAD!